On Being Too Disciplined

So, a bit about me as an author. I have a literary novel called NEW LIGHT out with Black Heron Press (2006). Alan Cheuse said very nice things about it. But the press was small, publishing was on the verge of the Great Ice Age, and the fate of NEW LIGHT was similar to the fate of most literary novels published by small presses. No big deal: it got me tenure. Now I can write and read and teach. These are wonderful things and I know that I am very lucky.

But then of course, if I call myself a writer, I have to produce finished work, right? And that can be, umm, hard. When I write, I think of it as a waltz between the conscious and unconscious parts of my mind. (Yes, I believe in the unconscious. I had a prof in grad school who declared with a satisfied smile that he did not in fact believe in the unconscious. I think it was a way of being cutting-edge. It's too boring to say you don't believe in the soul nowadays. I guess not believing in the unconscious was the new thang.)

But I believe in the unconscious, and in fact, far too often I don't listen (okay, "listen") to it. Of course, one's conscious mind generally needs to lead in the writing process, or one produces gibberish. But one of my problems is actually that I can be too disciplined. At times I don't give my unconscious the reins.

This became clear to me through the work I've done on a novel I've been working on for 11 years. A BOOK OF MIRRORS has gone through two distinct incarnations and is now entering a third. That equals a hell of a lot of time. Now mind you, I've been doing other things while working on MIRRORS. I wrote a YA novel (SKYRIDER) which is now at my agent's (waiting to go under the knife for the third time). I've taught many classes in lit and creative writing, worked with lots of students, things I almost always love. And then I've gone bankrupt and tried to be supportive of my husband when his advertising job left the great state of MI and moved to Chicago. Bravely he went back to school and in 4 years got an MBA in Information Systems (which is a weird supplement to his MFA in photography). And, impressively in this economic landscape, he landed another job 14 months ago, and did well in it, though he isn't really a cubicle sort of guy. But then the company went under, and since then, no jobs on his horizon. And then we went bankrupt.

But back to A BOOK OF MIRRORS. I have a few other novels on the back burners as well, but MIRRORS keeps on demanding that I get it right. So I keep on working at getting it right. It's really hard.

But there's a bright side to all this. Over the past ten years, as my husband and I trudged along our sometimes rocky road, I've discovered I go into overdrive sometimes. I get so fixated on what I need and want to do that I don't listen to my unconscious mind. I am so hyper-disciplined in my work habits that I keep working even if something feels off. So this entry is about not being disciplined. Sometimes it's important to slow down, let the work nudge you in different directions, directions you haven't even considered. Let your mind run along different possible scenarios, let yourself be surprised. Writers always talk about the importance of discipline, but I'm here to say: I forced myself to finish MIRRORS (twice!) and neither time got it right. So now I'm not doing the forced-march thing. I'm working a lot more slowly, and wow. It's really weird. And cool. That's all I can say. These characters are suddenly having a lot more fun in their lives than they were when I was pushing them around and telling them what I thought they should do. And really, when it comes down to it, what the hell do I know?